Hi Michelle; I have just read your first two chapters.
I wish I could say a date enough times to go back to it like Emily appears to have.
I think you've done a good job of getting the focus onto Emily herself rather than the strangeness of the situation. The first chapter with its, a day in the life of style, quickly immerses the reader into her daily life. Some might say a little too much detail but I think you just about get away with it.
Then we come to waking up in the past which I thought was very well done. It had quite a natural feel to it even though it was such an extraordinary event. The changing of the bed style was a nice touch. I particularly liked how Emily garnered the details of those around her, especially their names. That was clever and well done.
The reader will now be wondering if Emily is dreaming or not and if not how long before she realises it. This looks like it could present a lot of opportunities for varying plots.
Two spots for you. Chapter two, para beginning, 'Are you admiring' I think it needs to be, 'how much YOU look in the mirror. Also, I think case should be capitalised in the long pitch as in Emily's name. (Hope this helps)
Very well done and definitely recommended to others.
I very rarely read fiction, I'm a more factual/scientific reader but I thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter and your introduction to the life of Emily - I'm fascinated to find out about her journey through time. This book would definitely have a place in my humble (kindle) library - Best of luck!
This is an interesting notion, time travel back and forth, and was it all really a dream. I especially like the description of Chester village in the first chapter and how the main character, Emily, deals with the change. This is quite an imaginative approach to a romance. I wonder how it all will finish. Will Emily stay in the past or resume in the present. Recommended and highly starred.
Great idea Michelle, I expect it does very well indeed. Made me think of a film I've been reading about called Austen land- except your heroine gets to do it for real. The description of her mundane is a something lots of people can relate and we all love the idea of escaping in a book. The only thing I found a bit jarring was the descriptions of her flats/cul de sac. Got a bit frustrated reading that paragraph for some reason. Really enjoying it. Best of luck!
Great idea. I liked the contrast between the noise and bustle and stress of the modern world and the quietness of the world she wakes too. Crit. Things that occurred to me (this is just my ideas so feel free to ignore obviously). Maybe you need a little prologue before you go into the everyday life details in ch. 1. Just a short hook to catch the reader. Ch. 2 really enjoyed this. Suggestions, really just editing things. The first para. is very long and there are a few typos. I think you do the old fashioned language very well but I think in those days they would use 'as' rather than 'like', judging from Jane Austin etc. Very enjoyable!
Chapter 1 -2 You've done a good job with depicting the noise, traffic jams and general bustle and isolation that Emily experiences in the modern world. You've made me care about her. It's in stark contrast to the slower and more gentle time she wakes up to in chapter 2. Emily is confused and frightened by this sudden change and wonders if she is dreaming...you succeed in making the reader curious...what has happened to her and how will she cope? Is she in danger? Just a few suggestions re editing that may help: Chapter 1, first paragraph: "queue to get up" should be "cue to get up". Chapter 1, second paragraph. You put in a lot of detail about her walking to bathroom and around her flat etc. Do you really need all of it? Tenth paragraph:add apostrophes ie little girl's hand...dog's lead. Chapter 2. When Emily wakes up, could you shorten the first paragraph? Perhaps break it up into 4 or 5 paragraphs instead?I think this will help the flow and make it feel more dramatic. Third paragraph: "so your finally awake" should be " so you're finally awake." I think your dialogue needs more punctuation. Use full stop at end of dialogue in cases such as "Oh don't forget your purses girls." (unless there's a question mark or exclamation mark)and put in comma if there is a tag following it, such as "Come on, get your cloak on," she said to me. I hope this helps. Thank you for an enjoyable read. I've high star rated this.
Good story. You describe the lonely single woman and her life brilliantly. The beginning is very good although one possible criticism is that it is a bit slow with perhaps too much detail. After that it moves along at a good pace and with a good style.
I enjoyed reading the book (the parts uploaded) and have given you high stars. The comments below may be ignored but I think if followed will lead to a first class book. Good luck.
Some of paragraphs are very l-o-n-g, too long! Indeed the second paragraph in chapter has 1,000 words (yes, I counted them).
There were a few minor editing issues:
Using commas instead of full stops such as:
…. slowly dragged myself out of bed with very little enthusiasm, It was only work I was getting …
Missing commas, full stops and adding blank lines such as:
… I would say out loud to myself
“Carry on overtaking. I’m not that eager to get there”
Using full stops instead of commas such as in chapter 2: “She did walk a long way yesterday mama.” said the young girl.
Michelle, I will begin by saying you have a great premise; time travel stories are my favorite by far. From what I have read you have the bones of a very good book in the making. However, it does require a good edit, and chopping down the extensive descriptive narrative. You give a lot of unnecessary detail that doesn’t help with the flow of the story in moving it forward at a pace that will truly engage the reader.
Emily is a wonderful character, but it is difficult to connect with her loneliness and her life struggles due to the lack of emotion portrayed in the long somewhat rambling paragraphs. This is not meant to be a harsh criticism only a view from the reader's perspective to help you make this great story sparkle and shine for the very good work it could be.
Editing is difficult, whether you are cutting and trimming your own work or someone else is doing it for you. It is like a knife being stuck in your baby. However, my advice is to read this with a very critical objective eye, read it out loud to get the flow, and then use that red pen relentlessly. Remove everything that is unnecessary for the storyline and keep for later, there may be other places where the heavy back-story can be used farther along to fill in some details of a particular scene.
As I know this could be a remarkable book once edited I will keep on my WL to see how you are progressing.
Michelle, taking into account of the issues that have been identified below for which I am not going to repeat, I think you have the makings of a really good book here. You do have a really good story telling voice and it’s a voice I can see a lot of readers taking too. I certainly did and it had me sucked in right from the start. Brilliant character descriptions, great flow and a good pace all make up for a really good book. I wish you all the luck in the world. I score this high.
Michelle, I follow Emily's morning routine with interest as I am able to identify with her aversion to early rousting imposed by a job she detests. With her first person POV at work, I can imagine her in motion picture format, a whispered voice-over detailing the blow-by-blow of her every move. She is more than ready for a drastic change from a humdrum existence, more than primed for the romance and adventure awaiting her in the past. Your narrative is simply worded and easy to follow, the backstory explaining her state of mind. Thank you so much for the captivating read.
A good idea for a story and an opening here to write a novel with a difference.
A couple of very minor errors I noticed in Chapter 1:
'Potted around the flat....' [Pottered] '....bird had relieved its self...' [itself]
Overall I thought chapter 1 could be tightened up to great advantage. Your descriptive passages are inclined to be very long and a little repetitive - your words will be much more powerful if limited - less is more. For example, in describing Emily's journey to work, there is a whole paragraph devoted to ' turning right, follow this road, reach the junction, turn left, go to the roundabout, turn right etc' It's a little like leaving a good book and starting to read an A to Z. This information can be incorporated into one or two sentences in the earlier paragraph. This is intended to be constructive and is not a criticism of your general writing which I think is very good. Personally (and I am very much an amateur so feel free to ignore me) I would end chapter 1 with Emily going to bed and then awakening to ? At the moment chapter 1 deals with introducing Emily and her day. She gets up, goes to work, goes to bed. It's fine as an introductory chapter but there is nothing at the end which is going to make a reader say 'Wow! - now I've got to read on and find out what this is about". Anyone reading your book without the benefit of the pitch may well not turn the page - and you have a brilliant hook to use - Emily waking up in not only a different room but a different time zone and with piano music playing (creepy). Use that to grip readers at the end of the first chapter. Potentially a brilliant story. 5 stars for now and will return to read more.
I just read the opening chapter to your book 'Long Lost,' and was waiting for Emily's life being suddenly transformed into the different world of 200 years ago. It seems a promising idea for a book.
To be honest I wasn't really interested in every detail of her morning routine and which road she took. Why not include something comical that happened in the course of that morning routine to help keep the reader's interest? Also it would help if you reduced the number of 'I's'. I have been advised to do this in one of my book told in the first person.
what an interesting idea for the plot. I will be interested to see where this goes. I used to live near to a old victorian house when I was growing up so it took me right back. Noticed a few grammatical things but nothing major. Will return for another read soon x
This is a fun premise. It's one I think would cause many people to stop and take a look at your book. You've chosen a tricky narrative however, as first person can come off as somewhat narcissistic if the writer isn't careful about using the words I, me and my. Especially at the start of a paragraph.
You've got some lovely sentences and imagery that are buried by excess description. I'd start your story with; "I never have been and never will be a morning person." Like many people, I can relate to that sentence and am a little more involved in your story. Skip the rest until you get to the part about Mondays. Something short and simple like; Monday's aren't good either. The information about the drab hustle and bustle of Emily's impersonal modern life is good, but as they say; less is more. I'd cut it back a bit. Also, Emily's back history could be woven into later chapters so you can speed the narrative of this opening chapter to get the reader to the part that hooked their attention in the first place, which is time travel. But keep the Magpies. I love that part.
As always, I've rambled on a bit too long. Ignore or use any of the above as you see fit. Good luck!
Hello, Michelle. I've read a few chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. I think you've done a really good job with chapter one in particular. You've set the scene up well and have done a good job introducing us to the MC, her circumstances and how unhappy she is with her dull and lonely life- good job.
The ending to the first chapter is also well done; a good hook to entice us to read further. Who could reisist reading on after that?! I couldn't wait to see just where she now found herself after hearing the piano music.
I do think this could benefit from an edit. I noticed a few punctuation issues but there's nothing major; an ironing out and it'll be fine. Also, 1980's shouldn't have an apostrophe (1980s).
No other problems. You've made a good start here and I think it has a lot of potential. It's a fun, intriguing idea for a novel and I'm going to continue reading; I'm interested to see how the plot develops. For now, highly starred and I wish you all the best with this. Well done.
Hi Michelle: I read the first two chapters and must say I immediately felt sorry for the MC. First with the funeral, then the 2 girlfriends who refused to come. You can feel her loneliness and somewhat depressed mood. The idea of the book is fantastic and I believe with a bit of tweaking will get great interest. I did notice that you use the word' flat' quite a bit throughout the chapter and perhaps an alternative such as apartment, 1 bedroom suite might work. The second last sentence in Ch 1 : I will always yearned for my mother s/b yearn. Overall, I think you have a wonderful and strong storyline. I have added to my WL and hope to get back and read more.
I read the first few chapters with interest, as the blurb is enticing. You have a great idea for a story here but, as others have said , you do need some editing. My main observation is that you use 'was' too often. I had that pointed out in my writing and hadn't realised so I'm just passing that on. For example, instead of writing 'this must be what I was awakened by' you could write 'this must be what had awakened me' Last paragraph of chapter 2 - My eyes were becoming accustomed to the bright light so I dragged myself up to a sitting position in bed. I rubbed my eyes and stared in shock. I noticed the room I was in and the bed I was in. It was not the bed I fell alseep in last night and it was not the bedroom I fell asleep in last night. In short this was not my bedroom. My heart began to pound. I couldn't understand where I was.' could be written as 'My eyes were becoming accustomed to the bright light so I dragged myself up to a sitting position. I rubbed my eyes and stared in shock. I looked round the room and down at the bed.I had not falen asleep here, last night. My heart began to pound. I couldn't understand where I was.' This is just a suggestion for you to look at. I'll read more soon as I want to find out what happens to her.
I think the writing style is easy to read and follow.
Prologue – Immediately conveys Emily’s isolation and I instantly feel for her. Two small suggestions: 1) maybe “I was standing” instead of stood. 2) real parent’s doesn’t need an apostrophe.
Ch 1 – sets the scene of her flat, where she lives, journey and then comes the hook to draw us into the next chapter, where Emily must deal with her new surroundings.
Long Lost Hi Michelle, having been drawn by your piches, I have read your opening chapters of Long Lost. From the outset you have managed to portray Emily's lonliness and dissatisfaction with her life, something most people have experienced, so can relate to the character you have moulded. I have enjoyed what I have read and I think the premise is a facinating one. I do feel you could perhaps cut down on some of the unnecessary information which takes away from what is otherwise excellent writing. This will come naturally to you when you edit.
I have no doubt about your ability to write because everything flows nicely and as I have said, I think you have a great idea here. Keep going with this and keep enjoying the writing because that is what shines through in your words.
I see you have done a lot of work on this in the past couple of months, and it is coming together nicely. You have started to flesh out your MCs character, engaging the reader more with her feelings of loneliness and isolation. Well done. Plus, you have also worked very hard to edit out some of the unnecessary narrative, which originally bogged down the pace. This is a wonderful start to what promises to be an excellent book as the premise is so intriguing. Keep up the good work; it will remain on my WL for further reading.
Michelle, Your cover caught my eye and the premise sounded very interesting. The story is easy to read, which I think is good for the mass market, but I agree with some of the comments that some details could be cut out. Well-done portraying loneliness. I'm not a morning person. So the idea of the law made me smile. In the same paragraph (2nd) before the last sentence, I think you meant to put comma. This made me laugh, "They may as well have gone back to the 1980 and carried ghetto boasters around on their shoulders." Very engaging how you ended chapter 2, makes you want to turn to the next page right away. Highly starred. Best wishes,
January 2013
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle; I have just read your first two chapters.
I wish I could say a date enough times to go back to it like Emily appears to have.
I think you've done a good job of getting the focus onto Emily herself rather than the strangeness of the situation. The first chapter with its, a day in the life of style, quickly immerses the reader into her daily life. Some might say a little too much detail but I think you just about get away with it.
Then we come to waking up in the past which I thought was very well done. It had quite a natural feel to it even though it was such an extraordinary event. The changing of the bed style was a nice touch. I particularly liked how Emily garnered the details of those around her, especially their names. That was clever and well done.
The reader will now be wondering if Emily is dreaming or not and if not how long before she realises it. This looks like it could present a lot of opportunities for varying plots.
Two spots for you. Chapter two, para beginning, 'Are you admiring' I think it needs to be, 'how much YOU look in the mirror. Also, I think case should be capitalised in the long pitch as in Emily's name. (Hope this helps)
Very well done and definitely recommended to others.
January 2013
ReplyDeleteYou have a delightful imagination. Your writing is detailed and fairly smooth and Emily is an interesting character. High stars here.
January 2013
ReplyDeleteI very rarely read fiction, I'm a more factual/scientific reader but I thoroughly enjoyed the first chapter and your introduction to the life of Emily - I'm fascinated to find out about her journey through time. This book would definitely have a place in my humble (kindle) library - Best of luck!
January 2013
ReplyDeleteThis is an interesting notion, time travel back and forth, and was it all really a dream. I especially like the description of Chester village in the first chapter and how the main character, Emily, deals with the change. This is quite an imaginative approach to a romance. I wonder how it all will finish. Will Emily stay in the past or resume in the present. Recommended and highly starred.
February 2013
ReplyDeleteGreat idea Michelle, I expect it does very well indeed. Made me think of a film I've been reading about called Austen land- except your heroine gets to do it for real. The description of her mundane is a something lots of people can relate and we all love the idea of escaping in a book.
The only thing I found a bit jarring was the descriptions of her flats/cul de sac. Got a bit frustrated reading that paragraph for some reason.
Really enjoying it. Best of luck!
February 2013
ReplyDeleteGreat idea. I liked the contrast between the noise and bustle and stress of the modern world and the quietness of the world she wakes too.
Crit. Things that occurred to me (this is just my ideas so feel free to ignore obviously).
Maybe you need a little prologue before you go into the everyday life details in ch. 1. Just a short hook to catch the reader.
Ch. 2 really enjoyed this. Suggestions, really just editing things. The first para. is very long and there are a few typos. I think you do the old fashioned language very well but I think in those days they would use 'as' rather than 'like', judging from Jane Austin etc.
Very enjoyable!
February 2013
ReplyDeleteChapter 1 -2
You've done a good job with depicting the noise, traffic jams and general bustle and isolation that Emily experiences in the modern world. You've made me care about her. It's in stark contrast to the slower and more gentle time she wakes up to in chapter 2. Emily is confused and frightened by this sudden change and wonders if she is dreaming...you succeed in making the reader curious...what has happened to her and how will she cope? Is she in danger?
Just a few suggestions re editing that may help:
Chapter 1, first paragraph: "queue to get up" should be "cue to get up".
Chapter 1, second paragraph. You put in a lot of detail about her walking to bathroom and around her flat etc. Do you really need all of it?
Tenth paragraph:add apostrophes ie little girl's hand...dog's lead.
Chapter 2. When Emily wakes up, could you shorten the first paragraph? Perhaps break it up into 4 or 5 paragraphs instead?I think this will help the flow and make it feel more dramatic.
Third paragraph: "so your finally awake" should be " so you're finally awake."
I think your dialogue needs more punctuation. Use full stop at end of dialogue in cases such as "Oh don't forget your purses girls." (unless there's a question mark or exclamation mark)and put in comma if there is a tag following it, such as "Come on, get your cloak on," she said to me.
I hope this helps.
Thank you for an enjoyable read. I've high star rated this.
March 2013
ReplyDeleteGood story. You describe the lonely single woman and her life brilliantly. The beginning is very good although one possible criticism is that it is a bit slow with perhaps too much detail. After that it moves along at a good pace and with a good style.
I enjoyed reading the book (the parts uploaded) and have given you high stars. The comments below may be ignored but I think if followed will lead to a first class book. Good luck.
Some of paragraphs are very l-o-n-g, too long! Indeed the second paragraph in chapter has 1,000 words (yes, I counted them).
There were a few minor editing issues:
Using commas instead of full stops such as:
…. slowly dragged myself out of bed with very little enthusiasm, It was only work I was getting …
Missing commas, full stops and adding blank lines such as:
… I would say out loud to myself
“Carry on overtaking. I’m not that eager to get there”
Using full stops instead of commas such as in chapter 2: “She did walk a long way yesterday mama.” said the young girl.
And: “Yes indeed she did.” replied the mother.
March 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle, I will begin by saying you have a great premise; time travel stories are my favorite by far. From what I have read you have the bones of a very good book in the making. However, it does require a good edit, and chopping down the extensive descriptive narrative. You give a lot of unnecessary detail that doesn’t help with the flow of the story in moving it forward at a pace that will truly engage the reader.
Emily is a wonderful character, but it is difficult to connect with her loneliness and her life struggles due to the lack of emotion portrayed in the long somewhat rambling paragraphs. This is not meant to be a harsh criticism only a view from the reader's perspective to help you make this great story sparkle and shine for the very good work it could be.
Editing is difficult, whether you are cutting and trimming your own work or someone else is doing it for you. It is like a knife being stuck in your baby. However, my advice is to read this with a very critical objective eye, read it out loud to get the flow, and then use that red pen relentlessly. Remove everything that is unnecessary for the storyline and keep for later, there may be other places where the heavy back-story can be used farther along to fill in some details of a particular scene.
As I know this could be a remarkable book once edited I will keep on my WL to see how you are progressing.
March 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle, taking into account of the issues that have been identified below for which I am not going to repeat, I think you have the makings of a really good book here. You do have a really good story telling voice and it’s a voice I can see a lot of readers taking too. I certainly did and it had me sucked in right from the start. Brilliant character descriptions, great flow and a good pace all make up for a really good book. I wish you all the luck in the world. I score this high.
April 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
I follow Emily's morning routine with interest as I am able to identify with her aversion to early rousting imposed by a job she detests. With her first person POV at work, I can imagine her in motion picture format, a whispered voice-over detailing the blow-by-blow of her every move. She is more than ready for a drastic change from a humdrum existence, more than primed for the romance and adventure awaiting her in the past. Your narrative is simply worded and easy to follow, the backstory explaining her state of mind. Thank you so much for the captivating read.
April 2013
ReplyDeleteLong Lost. Chapters 1 & 2
A good idea for a story and an opening here to write a novel with a difference.
A couple of very minor errors I noticed in Chapter 1:
'Potted around the flat....' [Pottered]
'....bird had relieved its self...' [itself]
Overall I thought chapter 1 could be tightened up to great advantage. Your descriptive passages are inclined to be very long and a little repetitive - your words will be much more powerful if limited - less is more. For example, in describing Emily's journey to work, there is a whole paragraph devoted to ' turning right, follow this road, reach the junction, turn left, go to the roundabout, turn right etc' It's a little like leaving a good book and starting to read an A to Z. This information can be incorporated into one or two sentences in the earlier paragraph. This is intended to be constructive and is not a criticism of your general writing which I think is very good.
Personally (and I am very much an amateur so feel free to ignore me) I would end chapter 1 with Emily going to bed and then awakening to ? At the moment chapter 1 deals with introducing Emily and her day. She gets up, goes to work, goes to bed. It's fine as an introductory chapter but there is nothing at the end which is going to make a reader say 'Wow! - now I've got to read on and find out what this is about". Anyone reading your book without the benefit of the pitch may well not turn the page - and you have a brilliant hook to use - Emily waking up in not only a different room but a different time zone and with piano music playing (creepy). Use that to grip readers at the end of the first chapter.
Potentially a brilliant story. 5 stars for now and will return to read more.
April 2013
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle,
I just read the opening chapter to your book 'Long Lost,' and was waiting for Emily's life being suddenly transformed into the different world of 200 years ago. It seems a promising idea for a book.
To be honest I wasn't really interested in every detail of her morning routine and which road she took. Why not include something comical that happened in the course of that morning routine to help keep the reader's interest?
Also it would help if you reduced the number of 'I's'. I have been advised to do this in one of my book told in the first person.
Good Luck with it,
April 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle
what an interesting idea for the plot. I will be interested to see where this goes. I used to live near to a old victorian house when I was growing up so it took me right back.
Noticed a few grammatical things but nothing major. Will return for another read soon x
Best of luck with this
April 2013
ReplyDeleteThis is a fun premise. It's one I think would cause many people to stop and take a look at your book. You've chosen a tricky narrative however, as first person can come off as somewhat narcissistic if the writer isn't careful about using the words I, me and my. Especially at the start of a paragraph.
You've got some lovely sentences and imagery that are buried by excess description. I'd start your story with; "I never have been and never will be a morning person." Like many people, I can relate to that sentence and am a little more involved in your story. Skip the rest until you get to the part about Mondays. Something short and simple like; Monday's aren't good either. The information about the drab hustle and bustle of Emily's impersonal modern life is good, but as they say; less is more. I'd cut it back a bit. Also, Emily's back history could be woven into later chapters so you can speed the narrative of this opening chapter to get the reader to the part that hooked their attention in the first place, which is time travel. But keep the Magpies. I love that part.
As always, I've rambled on a bit too long. Ignore or use any of the above as you see fit. Good luck!
May 2013
ReplyDeleteHello, Michelle. I've read a few chapters and thoroughly enjoyed them. I think you've done a really good job with chapter one in particular. You've set the scene up well and have done a good job introducing us to the MC, her circumstances and how unhappy she is with her dull and lonely life- good job.
The ending to the first chapter is also well done; a good hook to entice us to read further. Who could reisist reading on after that?! I couldn't wait to see just where she now found herself after hearing the piano music.
I do think this could benefit from an edit. I noticed a few punctuation issues but there's nothing major; an ironing out and it'll be fine. Also, 1980's shouldn't have an apostrophe (1980s).
No other problems. You've made a good start here and I think it has a lot of potential. It's a fun, intriguing idea for a novel and I'm going to continue reading; I'm interested to see how the plot develops. For now, highly starred and I wish you all the best with this. Well done.
May 2013
ReplyDeleteHi Michelle:
I read the first two chapters and must say I immediately felt sorry for the MC. First with the funeral, then the 2 girlfriends who refused to come. You can feel her loneliness and somewhat depressed mood.
The idea of the book is fantastic and I believe with a bit of tweaking will get great interest. I did notice that you use the word' flat' quite a bit throughout the chapter and perhaps an alternative such as apartment, 1 bedroom suite might work. The second last sentence in Ch 1 :
I will always yearned for my mother s/b yearn.
Overall, I think you have a wonderful and strong storyline. I have added to my WL and hope to get back and read more.
May 2013
ReplyDeleteI read the first few chapters with interest, as the blurb is enticing. You have a great idea for a story here but, as others have said , you do need some editing. My main observation is that you use 'was' too often. I had that pointed out in my writing and hadn't realised so I'm just passing that on. For example, instead of writing 'this must be what I was awakened by' you could write 'this must be what had awakened me'
Last paragraph of chapter 2 - My eyes were becoming accustomed to the bright light so I dragged myself up to a sitting position in bed. I rubbed my eyes and stared in shock. I noticed the room I was in and the bed I was in. It was not the bed I fell alseep in last night and it was not the bedroom I fell asleep in last night. In short this was not my bedroom. My heart began to pound. I couldn't understand where I was.' could be written as
'My eyes were becoming accustomed to the bright light so I dragged myself up to a sitting position. I rubbed my eyes and stared in shock. I looked round the room and down at the bed.I had not falen asleep here, last night. My heart began to pound. I couldn't understand where I was.'
This is just a suggestion for you to look at.
I'll read more soon as I want to find out what happens to her.
May 2013
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise which drew me in.
I think the writing style is easy to read and follow.
Prologue – Immediately conveys Emily’s isolation and I instantly feel for her.
Two small suggestions: 1) maybe “I was standing” instead of stood. 2) real parent’s doesn’t need an apostrophe.
Ch 1 – sets the scene of her flat, where she lives, journey and then comes the hook to draw us into the next chapter, where Emily must deal with her new surroundings.
May 2013
ReplyDeleteLong Lost
Hi Michelle, having been drawn by your piches, I have read your opening chapters of Long Lost.
From the outset you have managed to portray Emily's lonliness and dissatisfaction with her life, something most people have experienced, so can relate to the character you have moulded.
I have enjoyed what I have read and I think the premise is a facinating one. I do feel you could perhaps cut down on some of the unnecessary information which takes away from what is otherwise excellent writing. This will come naturally to you when you edit.
I have no doubt about your ability to write because everything flows nicely and as I have said, I think you have a great idea here.
Keep going with this and keep enjoying the writing because that is what shines through in your words.
June 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
I see you have done a lot of work on this in the past couple of months, and it is coming together nicely. You have started to flesh out your MCs character, engaging the reader more with her feelings of loneliness and isolation. Well done. Plus, you have also worked very hard to edit out some of the unnecessary narrative, which originally bogged down the pace. This is a wonderful start to what promises to be an excellent book as the premise is so intriguing. Keep up the good work; it will remain on my WL for further reading.
June 2013
ReplyDeleteMichelle,
Your cover caught my eye and the premise sounded very interesting.
The story is easy to read, which I think is good for the mass market, but I agree with some of the comments that some details could be cut out. Well-done portraying loneliness.
I'm not a morning person. So the idea of the law made me smile.
In the same paragraph (2nd) before the last sentence, I think you meant to put comma.
This made me laugh, "They may as well have gone back to the 1980 and carried ghetto boasters around on their shoulders."
Very engaging how you ended chapter 2, makes you want to turn to the next page right away.
Highly starred.
Best wishes,